Murder Christmas

Well, once again the season of ill will is upon us. All those relatives we have been avoiding suddenly start turning up uninvited. That dreaded knock on the door when you are sitting in your pants watching the Box Set you have been trying to get to all year. You turn off the telly and pretend to be out. For a moment you think you’ve got away with it and then a face pops up in the window, with a torch. ‘It’s okay, Edna, they’re in!’

We’ve all been there. You pull on your jeans and answer the door, and they sweep in like a plague of re-gifting locusts. Items you hoped you had seen the back of years ago are now suddenly back from whence they came. Re-gifted in an orgy of fake generosity. It’s just about now that a normal person’s mind seems to turn to the idea of murder. As a crime writer or reader, we are especially qualified for this task. We know how to plan; we know how to plot. We know how to get rid of a body. If anyone is unsure, please get a copy of Kate Bendelow’s excellent book, 101 Ways to Kill Gary. Well researched, it even shows how to wrap your Gary in bin bags before disposal, a real Christmas treat and five stars from me.

This year I took the time to start digging some graves at the bottom of our paddock, just near the compost bays. I’ve dug four, just in case. Not sure it’s going to be enough but at least I’m ahead of the game. I’m working on the basis that anyone who turns up uninvited had better be carrying some really good presents or … well, you know.

I did consider growing my hair long like Rob Parker, scaring visitors away with my Wildman image. Unfortunately for Rob his hair is looking a little too Oscar Wilde, I think he may be very popular this year.

So, what to do. If, like me, you just want a little peace and quiet to finish that book, why not just select that relative whose been bugging you for years. Choke them to death with all those horrible socks they’ve given you. Call the police and tell them the sock monster told you to do it. That should get you at least fifteen years in solitary. Don’t forget to sharpen the handle of your toothbrush to use as a shiv, just in case solitary is full.

Well, that’s it for another Christmas. I wish you all a happy and peaceful Christmas and New Year. Don’t forget, if you are going to give the unforgettable gift of murder to one of your relatives this Christmas, wear the Santa outfit. It really does hide the blood spatter.

At this time of year, it’s so important to think of those less fortunate than us. Yes, those poor sods from big families who have dozens of cousins and uncles and aunts falling out of the nearest Sherry bottle. Make that New Years Resolution now. Get onto the Home Office and apply for your visas to emigrate. Next year may be the year. Peace perfect peace, and goodwill to all. Remember, if you can’t avoid them, kill them. Good luck and don’t get caught.

Merry Christmas from Guy and family … what’s left of them!